Enough buttering my own asshole!

*****i’m probably not going to edit this much cause I’m just trying to get it over with!!! The picture (for those not in the medical profession) is a bullet hole! The guy that has been writing all this zen stuff stuck a 45 1911 with 130 grain hollow point bullets to his chest and pulled the trigger! I said fuck it! Life wasn’t worth living. (BTW I’M not gonna stick to how the periods and comas and shit works ….fucking stick with me work with me . this is only gonna flow once….) I hated my life so much that it was the end. That was like two years ago and of course stuff is much better now. Off to the side is another bullet wound but that’s another story (war is hell). Going back to the previous blog about the canoe …..mother fucker I had another plan at one time, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I was gonna make some stuff in my canoe (which came from my military training) and just set a timer and get really drunk and pass out or forget about the timer and BOOM, I’m in the middle of the river be little pieces ….no harm to anyone…..This is how broken one can get. The only mother fucking thing that stopped me was being too drunk. I’d get up and think “fuck it” and before I knew it I was saying “well tomorrow” See the reason I’m telling this is the diverisity of how depression works, you can be like the greatest person ever then the next day your whole world is over. I can come up with this kinda stuff cause I’m a god dam McGiver and I can come up with some shit on the fly, for some reason I’m alive ….dude I’ve been like legally dead like three times. I even had to learn to mother fucking walk again!!!! yeah no shit!


I know the demons ….fucking side bar I’ll write how ever. One example of how I’ve been around death. I’ve seen the results of sucide bombings when I was in Israel. Ever been to a road side cafe then the next day it’s gone, well most of it….ever look at lower NYC covered in smoke, ever been shot at, ever had missile lock on you, ever died….a few times…..Well over there I got to ummmm hang with the IDF (awesome cats btw) but I was face to face with Hamas and Hezbollah fighters (please I’m not getting political) but I seen hate ….HATE like I can’t describe. Fuck it …mother fuckers wanna give props to all the post 911 vets and god dam me they are bad ass MOTHERS FUCKERS but they US forgets about all us guys that had to deal with those guys before they were a big deal. When I think of evil I think of Bethlehem, shit we almost went into Syria and we almost shit our pants…(ah shit yeah I got there after two SCUD missiles had missed the nuclear plants in Tel a Vive….mother fuckers missed!!!!!) this shit was going on for a long time (BY THE WAY IF YOU THINK 911 WAS AN INSIDE JOB QUIT READING THIS RIGHT NOW FUCKING NOW!!!!! FUCKING FUCK YOU I LOST FRIENDS MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!! sorry that was a bad day.

Okay so as it reads to normal people I’m a dude that don’t wanna live. NO I don’t wanna think about it anymore…every morning I start the day with the Bob Marley song “every little thing is gonna be alright” and I think about what good will come. A bit of 2 PAC “changes” then Soulfly (totally metal, cause I’m just a metal dude) I used to think about wanting to die with my first breath. Now I think more like “okay there is a reason, there is a much bigger picture cause there is no fucking way I’ve skirted death so many times with out a reason” So I tell my story……cause ain’t a mother fucker even comes close to knowing me, well you guys…..sorry about that 😉

So Drew what is it like to die….Well glad you asked: Two weeks before I went into the hospitial I don’t remember hardly anything, my urine was dark like coffee and I felt like holy hell that’s all I remember. This was a VERY bad bladder infection….and the infection spreed….kidneys, liver, galbladder, lungs, then (yay) brain…that’s why I don’t remember anything. I was in ICU for three days then flat lined. dead for 4 minutes. I take it there was all kinds of hell going on on the outside but on my end I felt this warmth and this peace that was totally unreal, I seen this bright blue,there was no body there was no time there was nothing, but everything too…..total peace, not peace like we know it no not at all. I struggle for words here…..cause anyone reading is waiting for “well is there a god, what did he look like, did you see people…(maybe the most important thing I may write!) If you are wondering….its gonna be okay…….you’re gonna like it. the best justice I can give it in my own words is (if you can)…… back floating in a pool on a July day and no one is in the pool and the sun is in the 2 o”clock position and you feel the warmth on your skin on your chest but the cool on your back and your mind is empty………..just feeling….and everything is okay. Its all okay no matter all the little shit you did its ok (I haven’t did bad shit so if you fall into that I’m not sure, so don’t be like “well Drew said…blah blah blah” So maybe this puts this all into a better picture. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One of the reasons I write this stuff down is because my yoga teacher said I should write a book! Mother fucker I’m no writer, I go D in writing till I discovered mini thins (over the counter speed) in high school then I went to B’s (someone’s got ADD) and I really started to like it then life took over and I quit writing. Well I miss all kinds of sleep now to write this cause I may be able to help some one. OH SNAP yeah I was 2000$$$ dollars short from going into pilot college and no one would help me. I always wanted to fly and by god I do have 20 plus hours in. I missed my target but I did fly and god dam me I’d be the guy that could get a plane down if the pilots just were gone. They are machines that just happen to be off the ground that’s all they are to me people. As the rest of the last dying goes I heard the BOOM the a loud ringing in my ears, my eyes slowly shut as i smell gun powder for the last time (the one that caused that wound)………….. and the blue……………….and 2 years later I’m here now talking to you great people. Some say “oh be a counsler you would be great” , ain’t feeling it. Something tells me I have more to do stuff like pirates to fight off in the horn of Africa on an oil tanker or shipping vessel. I’m the mother fucker that when shit goes down they say “i’m going to your house” I’m that guy, as BROKEN as I am to some I am still refuge…..but I have no refuge……wait yeah I do I still have that croked smile ….I have that “I got a idea!”….Sorry again about the edit. got interview tomorrow, means to and end. well a step, a step to the next story….Ah shit I thought I was done but the yoga teacher, yeah I was going to training to be a yoga instructor….ie the deep conversations she was the one that REALLY said “YOU NEED TO WRITE THIS STUFF DOWN, and this chick was wicked zen and pretty rad too, if she was only like 30 years younger……shit guys …Um feels odd putting this out there but they say true writing comes from the heart…I tried to shoot mine….ain’t gonna do that shit again….UM it hurts, i feel pain every day from it BTW i never forget!

Published by drewstram

This is my first time writing a blog, really the first time writing anything public (sure it shows...don't be so judgeie, jezz). I'm 43 and should be divorced in about a month, haven't heard nor seen her in well over a year so I sorta forget I'm still married. I'm basically at a crossroads in my life. Not like Ralph Machio in the movie 'Crossroads", think a lot less deals with the devil, guitars, and gravel roads, actually nothing like that. This is gonna be either a epic story of a come back or one great big train wreck. Lots of stories to tell and I hope some are entertaining. Maybe it will be an example of what not to do with your spare time. Thanks for stopping by.

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