The Darkness

Impressively spooky building huh? That is the old union mill located way the hell in the middle of no where and honestly I don’t really remember where it was. The last time I was there I was with a super fun chick….I really wounder what happened to her? That all ended when I went over to her house and she was “in bed” with an old boy friend and I called her a bad name, left, then felt bad and tried to apologize but she wasn’t having it. Well she was the sorta free spirit sorta chick (ya know what I mean by that right?) and not the relationship type. Fun while it lasted though! This building totally shows my mood tonight, just dark and abandoned and forgot about. There were times I’d go clear out there just to listen to the river go by in the dark. Never really fearing anything really, hell I could have been murdered and no one knew where I was and this was also when no one had cell phones. Just sitting in silence out there with my own thoughts for hours never really coming up with anything. Should have figured that was the first signs of deep depression however at the time it just seemed like something or someone was missing in my life. Tonight I’m sitting in that building in my mind, or another place I’d go was Payne landing which was a bit closer but still very very far from anything. I’d go there to feel nothing which I could sit anywhere to feel that but I guess super spooky places make it more like some ‘Cure’ music video or something, except if no one knew that takes away the “look at me factor, I need help” thing. I hadn’t wrote in my blog for a few nights due to this very factor. It was a joy to attempt to tell funny stories and maybe just maybe cheer up somebody or at least to compile a log of things to be happy about and I can refer back to at these very moments. I forced myself to do the gym thing today and got everything in perfectly and after the hell of the last couple years I really shouldn’t be…..well that’s just it….it’s a void right now. Yesterday was better, today I got some more work which is a insurance job so it’s gonna pay great but still nada. Today I pushed through the felling of just wanting to quit for the day and just sleep but I kept telling myself I’d just be mad at myself tomorrow, I’m gonna get fat, I’m not gonna be able to do this that, everything else. I pushed the “I could careless” me so the person that does care, maybe, hopefully me tomorrow don’t get mad at my lazy, feeling sorry for myself ass today. Just doing this seems totally pointless.. Wait…. RAD …..okay a bit better now I haven’t used my 80’s early 90’s word in days. I’m trying to bring that back remember if you read previous posts. I struggled through a freaking online application for a job that will pay in the $30 range a hour so I can stock pile up some money and parlay my way out of this crappy town. Probably why fate has stopped me from asking out the one girl. I did find out some info about her, just a tiny bit, but I guess she is broken like me. Which totally reminded me of the one song by “LovelytheBand” Broken. It says in part of the lyrics “i like that you are broken, broken like me, maybe that makes me a fool, I like that you are lonely, lonely like me. Maybe I can be lonely with you.” Probably reading that and think “well that’s the last thing you need” but honestly I wanna just have someone to….#1 talk to! #2 just be my friend. Seriously with all the life changes there isn’t ANYONE! There is in Gardner, and Paloa but dam that’s far away and my old friends have their own lives and I’ve been gone, out of the picture for years…..I’ll continue this thought process cause I have to go was the dye out of my hair….YUP I AIN”T gonna go gray F that…be right back, I’m not sure it will save what I’ve wrote and I don’t wanna lose it..also sorry for no edit either!!!!!! really I am

Published by drewstram

This is my first time writing a blog, really the first time writing anything public (sure it shows...don't be so judgeie, jezz). I'm 43 and should be divorced in about a month, haven't heard nor seen her in well over a year so I sorta forget I'm still married. I'm basically at a crossroads in my life. Not like Ralph Machio in the movie 'Crossroads", think a lot less deals with the devil, guitars, and gravel roads, actually nothing like that. This is gonna be either a epic story of a come back or one great big train wreck. Lots of stories to tell and I hope some are entertaining. Maybe it will be an example of what not to do with your spare time. Thanks for stopping by.

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