Simple question huh but that would be me. The hair go a tad longer and it totally rocks!! Probably part of an early onset of a midlife crises, really I like it so who cares huh. I’ve been torn about what to write about today, lord knows I’ve been looking forward to it all day-it’s my thing now. YAY. Tomorrow is the day I go to see the wicked awesome chick at her work, so to quote Chris Farley “i’m like Joe Joe the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet” so to say I’m stoked would be like a total understatement. Some post are gonna be great and some will be so so, and I know what your thinking out in reader land “come on with the stories all ready you freaking jerk. I’ll go over the gun and run in a bit, it’s a pretty good one I competed against SWAT and military people shooting and running…good story btw. I have to go on about this first….hummm lets call him the therapist to make it simple. I report in to the guy and let him know whats all going on with me, and mind you this is the first meeting. He says he is glad to hear things are going so well and informs me that he has total faith that I’ll be able to obtain my goals. The cat (dude, guy, what evees) says “I can see a drive in your eyes I don’t normally see in most people, like nothing is gonna stop you” I respond “yeah I won’t relax till my toes are in the sand of the Atlantic ocean, where I freaking belong”. Oh total side bar here and I have no idea how to properly interject a rando thought while writing so excuse me, but one of my fav bands is the Ramones and they redid the song “have you ever seen the rain”, it’s great, it just came on my Pandora. Its sad I never got to see them in concert. Back to the day stuff, I talked to the training guy today also and God love the guy I think he probably went out for a drink or 10 after talking to me. I was more than enthusiast to say the least, I was talking a freaking mile a minute, and went on and on like I was on freaking meth or something. I hope he is okay I sorta have that effect on people sometimes. I have goals damit…..sorry jezz! Subject change now..You guys should be used to this by now.
Here is an older writing, a very depressing one, which will show where mind was a short time ago…..”Life is fleeting moments of joy and happiness with the vast majority of it spent in constant anguish, depression, despair, battle and war of the mind. Mentally, physically, spiritually or emotionally ….there is never true peace in life……” See I wrote that and that was the way I thought, I was totally giving up, I have another one too…….”The truth life is meaningless. Every day of life, every step in it brings me, as it stands to a precipice and I see clearly before me there is nothing but ruin and to stop it is impossible, to go back is impossible, There is no hope,no reason to go on”….. So you see WOW I was freaking down, but that’s behind me now. This is jotted down too but it may not be mine….”depression occurs when you catch a sudden sight into the emptiness into your life, it’s like during a dream you dream of a nice beautiful place but you wake up in a mud hut”. As long as these are going on, one more……”As i sit here in the dark, cold, lonely dampness of this place one thought is omni present in my every thought, my best days are gone and behind me, I have NOTHING to look forward to but death”….. This should give a slight insight of why I write what I write and my almost impossible to deal with bubblieness, cause the hell hounds were closing in on me. I almost hate to say this on the internet but fuck it, I tried to end it a couple times. I won’t go into the details of it, but that is one dark place to be. So what did I do to change it….well I threw away the “give a dam” about what anyone thinks, I’m going to the beat of my own drums, life’s gonna be sink or swim. This is sorta sad to say and if you’re depressed don’t listen to me on this part, but I realize (FOR ME!!!!) I’m basically alone. When I’m down and just wanna talk to someone they ain’t gonna be there. My x was passed out (literally) a lot of the time so she wasn’t and now I’m single again there isn’t anyone there either. Sure everyone say “oh anytime” but really for me it didn’t happen. So I found the magic formula for me. The pills to help depression….oh no not for me. That made stuff waaaaaay worse. I decided that when the dark comes to give it time to pass, see what tomorrow brings. If it sounds easy it isn’t. My story telling here is like a god send really, yeah I know I sound sorta crazy or such things but that’s just part of my awesomeness. When my stuff is read its probably remembered, maybe not in a good way, more like “that’s really not the way to write at all” I’ve seen hell, shit I was actually legally dead for like 4 minutes cause of septic shock stuff. They said I’d never be able to walk very well again and running was way freaking gone. Had I listened to them I’d be using a walker and drawling disability. Life would be over for me as far as being even a shell of what I once was. Well for example just today I ran and swam, did a ton of stuff I was told I’d never do. I figure I got through that why can’t I stop this dam depression, after all I didn’t follow doc advice on being crippled so why listen to them now. I’m gonna do another triathlon this spring which they said “Will never happen”, to that I say “nay nay”. They don’t know the individuals spirit, some will just take the hand they are dealt and roll over and take what ever crap sandwich they are handed. One thing I read was at the end of Jenny Lawson’s book “furiously happy” she has this writing about depression and about being in a dark place while others walk in the day light. I have to say that is probably one of the most awe inspiring things I’ve ever read. No where else had I heard depression described so well. She’s a very gifted writer and very funny too! I write this stuff and my negative side thinks “no one gives a shit about what you have to say, who is gonna follow you enough to see how stuff turns out”, see that’s the darkness talking, it’s trying to pull me back cause I have something that works and I’m doing well. Hell hounds are always there, they want you more than most people know. I myself have seen so much death so much hate so much evil it’s stupid. The stories of the war I saw first hand, hell NYC was my hang out and 911 happened, I was a half hour from the city, I f’ing knew people I had worked on a machine there, another example, going through the west bank and Gaza strip and the hate in those peoples eyes when they seen US military guys there just cut through your very soul! The gang bang’ers and murders I’ve dealt with…just people that would just as soon kill you than look at you. Pure evil!! I just want people to know that there there is all that but there also is beauty, there is good, there is hope, and if from my writing I get to one person and maybe give them some hope then the hours I spend on this thing is totally worth it. I don’t care if I ever hear about it or anything like that…..If we would all give a little to someone for no reason what so ever, my the world would be such a remarkable place! So I’ll do the gun and run story tomorrow, I’m pretty spent. Again if you read this Thank you so much! Que Dios y todos los angeles te bendigan